He’s standing at the cliff edge. A light breeze is blowing, messing his hair. Ocean is beneath and the setting sun is at horizon. He’s ready to fly but his bare feet are glued to the ground. He feels somebody’s presence behind. Somebody pushes him hard. For a moment he’s in the air, light as feather, he felt warm sun on his skin and sudden joy overwhelmed his body. But as he turned around in air to see the person who made him fly, something heavy hardened in his throat. He swallowed it, and it moved fast down to his feet, making him heavier than air. His feet became iron, dragging him fast down into the ocean. The sun has gone within a second and as he sank in gray water, great fear froze his heart. He was going deeper and deeper, gray became black and his body became numb.

He woke up in complete darkness. He feels nothing. His whole body is numb. Then a square of light blinds him and irritating noise takes him back to reality. His phone wasn’t on silent which was quite unusual.

A message: Are you sleeping? A.

No. Theo types back as he tries to get himself together.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! I can’t drink like this anymore! He tries to get up but his body won’t listen. His head is heavy and still dizzy.

New message: I can’t sleep. Are you for a drink? I have some gin in my mini bar.

Come. Theo replied although even thinking about alcohol could make him throw up. After some struggle he finally managed to sit up. He’s sitting there in dark trying to remember what he was doing before that weird dream he had. He remembers blond hair and some green eyes. He sees various parts of female body and somebody’s laugh. And that’s it. Just fragments.

Oh, God…he hated himself. Well at least I’m in bed now, not unconscious in the empty street. I saved some dignity.

Knock knock.

Some horny girls could rape you, mate, you should’ve locked the door.

Oh, Adam, I don’t care really. I feel like shit and I smell like shit too. So, not gonna happen.

So, you need some water. Enough gin for tonight.

Adam moved the curtains and opened the giant window. He handed glass of water to Theo and sat beside him on bed.

Good idea. Theo closed his eyes, lay again and enjoyed in fresh air and the feeling of cold liquid sliding through his sore throat. The city lights lightened the room and the smell of linden trees came in.

We’re in Belgrade in case you forgot, said Adam looking through the window. They say night life here is really good. I guess you had a wild time. Adam smiled at him and took another sip of gin.

Next time you must go with me, Adam. I need you to taaaake meee… to saaafety…sang Theo in a funny way.

Oh, God, you’re totally wasted., Adam burst into laugh. Theo laughed too. He seemed so vulnerable to Adam, lying there and talking nonsense , like a kid with fever. He wanted him to feel better. He really wanted him to feel safe. Move, drunkard, I wanna sleep too.

Hey, but you said you can’t sleep, Theo complained. His body was so heavy and he didn’t want to move.

Yes, I couldn’t, because I was worried. You didn’t answer my calls. You’re alone in foreign city. Anything could happen. Where were you? Adam lay next to him and covered them both with blanket.

I don’t know, really. I only remember some group of people. I think we were near the river. Theo didn’t want to tell him about that girl. Not only because he wasn’t sure if she was real or his mind was playing tricks on him, but also because he knew Adam would startscolding him for behaving like a horny teen, for being irresponsible and immature. Adam is right. I’m such an idiot sometimes. And Theo hates the fact that Adam knows him that well. It makes him closer, and sometimes they’re too close. Right now, they’re lying in bed together. Weird enough. So he just ignored the blonde. And how was your evening, Mr. Anderson?

Well, I found some gallery. Had a beer. Nice stuff there: oil on canvas, lot of naked women. There was some landscape too. City and the moon. Beautiful. Just like tonight.

Theo opened his heavy eyelids and looked through the window. He saw the moon and sky as black as the deep darkness from his dream.

I had a nightmare. It was awful. I drowned in the ocean.

Adam could feel the anxiety in Theo’s voice. He really hates water. Adam felt the strange urge to touch him, to comfort him. But he didn’t. He stayed still. Theo looked him in the eyes. That was all he needed. You know what? The only thing good about seas and oceans is that they have the same color as your eyes. I love your eyes. I know them for so long. They’re like home. Adam stopped breathing for a moment. Then million thoughts ran through his brain. He was confused. This wasn’t something Theo would say. This wasn’t even something drunken Theo would say. Let him get sober. The morning is wiser. Theo saw a sparkle in the deepest blue as it moved fast, absorbing his face, trying to figure him out. He knew he hit the right spot. He left Adam puzzled.

Good night, mate. I think I’m gonna swim again. Theo smiled at him satisfyingly and turned him his back.

Adam stared at the black ceiling. The only thing he could hear was his own heavy breathing and Theo humming softly to himself a familiar melody. The words automatically appeared from the darkness: ….it always feels like torture to be this close…

20.03.2011.

______________________________

2. Bloodless

His toes were bloodless. Freezing. His left ear itching. Half awake, yawning and with his eyes still closed, he grabbed all over the left side of the bed trying to find a blanket. No success.

God, it’s so cold.He peeked through his eyelashes to check the situation. He fell asleep with his shirt on. Now it looked like it has never been ironed. The window was wide open. Noise from the street and smell of rain. They sneaked in during the night and still were there. A cold rainy morning, Adam’s cold body and cold empty space between two men.

On the left was Theo. Entirely wrapped in blanket, with his mouth open, he was snoring. Lazy cat curled in a warm nap.

Something clenched in Adam’s stomach.

I love your eyes.Flashback hit him. All of a sudden, everything in that room was pointing at him, accusing. Although it wasn’t him who committed the crime. Although it wasn’t him who behaved like selfish bastard and left the other one to freeze. Although it wasn’t him who got drunk and said what should have been left unspoken. He was more of a witness. But it was him who thought about the unthinkable. The things he shouldn’t be thinking about.Too much thinking. About too tiny thing. Fuck it! Just stop now. Please, stop.

But he couldn’t stop.It’s so cold. Body. Cold body. Blood. Crime scene.He needed to escape. He got up, put his shoes on, closed the window and left.

Order and routine. Those are the things that make him feel good. The things that hold his universe. This time his universe was falling apart.

He was walking. For hours. Through the unknown streets. Walking away from the unknown. From this feeling. Walking away from himself. He walked, although he wanted to run. God, it so cold. He even forgot to put his coat on. The rain was still sipping.

He past by an old lady. She was selling flowers. She had a raincoat on, but her hair was wet. Her flowers too. But in that moment, something else caught his attention. It was her polite smile. She seemed so kind. She seemed socalm. He was struggling on the inside. He came back to her and wanted to ask for a bunch of flowers, but he didn’t know a word of Serbian. He pointed at the nearest bouquet instead. When he wanted to pay he realized that he left his his wallet back at the hotel too. He was embarrassed, but the woman insisted, so he continued his torturing walk with roses in hands.

He examined the bouquet carefully. Just to slow his mind down a little. To distract himself.Red and white roses.It was made by experienced hands and with great care. A perfect combination of different ingredients. Nothing too much. Nothing too little.So simple. But so fucking good. Such a beautiful creation. It’s same. Just like with music. The balance. Always balance. I need my balance back. And I’ll be fine.

He’s standing in the shower. Hot water flows over his cold skin. It feels good. It clears the mind. It washes all the confusion. It flows over his eyelids, over his neck and back, over his arms and hands. All the way down to his beautiful fingers. The fingers which always find a balance. The fingers which always know a perfect measure. The perfect amount of sound and silence. The right notes. The rhythm of soul.

His fingers started playing imaginary melody in the air. Black keys. Then white ones. Then black again. From left to right, from right to left. His wet fingers ran through the air searching the answer. Searching the right melody. And then, finally, he found it.

He’s the negative. The white keys beside black ones. The other side. The side that keep balance. Theo.

He would be lost without him. Just like he has always been lost with words. He’s the one who speak for his melodies. He closes the cycle. He puts a lock on and throws a key to the world. And every person can unlock his own secret story. The story which tells everything. All the secrets and unfinished business. Uncried tears. Unlaughed happiness. Lost hopes and forgotten memories. The story that brings all the things buried deep long time ago.

Last night, their story was unlocked. And it has to be read.

I will start a new chapter. I will turn the page. I want to.

But not now. I cannot now.

Not today. Not when it’s still cold.

Tomorrow. When I feel alive again.

Later. When water washes all.

Soon. I promise.

19.04.2011.

…may be continued…